Strengthen your relationship with your kid: 5 tips for your kid’s first phone

When we decided to get our oldest child his first phone, I had some worries—the same ones most parents have when taking that big step. Would he use it well? Would he be safe? Would we lose him to his phone? Instead of focusing on the worries, we decided to reframe the moment as an opportunity for growth and connection. We found that our kid thrived on the freedom that his first phone allowed. We also realized that he, like many kids, is more willing to open up about tough subjects on a text thread than face-to-face.

My family isn’t alone in this—experts agree that a phone can strengthen our bonds with our kids. The key is to set expectations around this important milestone so that the experience is a positive one for everyone. Wondering how to make that happen? Here, parents and experts share five simple steps you can take with your kid’s phone as soon as you hand it over to them.

1. Set boundaries with your kid’s phone—your kid still needs them.

Kids may roll their eyes at the idea of boundaries around using their first phone, but they’re necessary. “Parents often have strong expectations when it comes to kids’ phone usage, but they might not communicate those expectations to their kids in advance,” says Michelle Icard, author of “Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen” and other parenting books. She says it can be hard to dial back freedom after the phone has been given—making the timing of setting those boundaries especially important. “These are issues best discussed and managed before the phone gets in the child’s hands.”

Molly Williams, mom of 10-year-old twins, did just that last year with her kids’ phones. The kids knew the rules—including that their parents could check their phones at any time—well in advance. “We’ve had long talks about not putting anything on a phone you wouldn’t want your grandma and the president to see,” she says.

Each family will have different values and concerns, but it’s important to touch on key topics:

Parental controls: Share that parental controls will be in place on the kid’s phone and decide what the consequences will be if those controls are removed.

Social media: Discuss which social media apps are okay and set rules for creating and managing accounts, including privacy settings and who they can connect with.

Password protection: Encourage your child to create strong, unique passwords for their accounts and to keep passwords private, even from close friends.

Regular check-ins: Let them know that you expect to have regular conversations about their online experiences. Ask them to share what apps they’re using and who they’re talking to, creating an open dialogue about their digital life.

Location sharing: Decide together whether it’s appropriate to use location-sharing features. If those features are turned on, ensure that location is only shared with family members or trusted individuals.

2. Text with your kid

It seems obvious, but texting with your kid is one of the main reasons many parents provide a child with that first phone. Coordinating pickup from activities or being available when a child might need help in an unsafe situation are the main reasons we got our child a phone, and they top the list for most parents. What might be surprising? That texting can be a window into your kid’s world (have you heard kids’ slang?).

“The best advice I got was not to diminish the things they find interesting,” says Jamie Kenney, a writer and mom of two. “Staying engaged while listening to them talk about some esoteric meme lore is boring, but it’s not to them.”

Kenney’s son is more willing to open up about sensitive topics via text, which she counts as a win. “The phone has provided us insight into his interests, humor and thoughts,” she says. “As we enter the teenage years, I think that’s invaluable.” 

3. Define no-phone zones

Julia Cook, who writes children’s books on topics including tech safety, says kids need firm guidance about the right times to use their first phone. “There is always a right time and place,” Cook says. “It’s important for kids to know that nothing is more important than the people right in front of you.”

Icard says mealtimes and car rides can be great no-phone zones for the entire family. Those moments around the table or driving to sports practices are some of the best times for connection. “Kids need to learn they don’t always have to be available to their friends by text or social media,” she says.

It’s also important for parents to stick to the guidelines they set for no-phone zones. Kids should not be using phones during school, so don’t text them during the school day unless it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t have your phone at the dinner table if that’s one of your no-phone zones.

Other helpful no-phone zone options:

• Any mealtime

• Driving to sports practices together

• During school

• Family movie nights

• Family walks

4. Model good phone habits

This builds on the no-phone zone idea: Kids learn more about life by watching their parents than through anything parents might say to them, so it’s important for parents to model the behaviors they want their kids to adopt in their phone habits. If you create a no-phone zone at the dinner table but can’t help checking your email during a meal, that sends a message to your child that the rules don’t matter. The same can be said for distracted driving, slinging unkind words online or zoning out while your kid is trying to share an important part of their day.

Cook says kids are watching how we use our phones—constantly. Make sure you pay attention to your phone behavior. In particular:

• Put your phone away when you drive.

• Don’t text and drive.

• If your kid is talking to you when your phone dings, ignore your phone.

5. Check in regularly

Williams says they have no regrets about giving their kids their first phones—they’ve actually found their relationships improving with open lines of communication. “Our kids know their phones are a privilege, especially at their age,” she says, “and they are very respectful of the rules.”

At the same time, kids’—and parents’—needs, expectations and experiences are constantly evolving. And that’s why the experts say the tech conversation can never be a one-time chat. It needs to be an ongoing, regular conversation.

That can look like:

• Having a monthly family meeting to discuss technology. This can be a scheduled time when parents can educate kids about internet safety, as well as a time for kids to raise concerns.

• Conducting screen-time reviews. Family members can share screen-time reports and discuss how the amount of screen time may be affecting their lives—positively or negatively. 

• Discussing requests for new apps or social media access. Openly discuss any requests you aren’t comfortable with. Develop a plan and timeline for each new step. 

• Keeping the lines of communication open. It’s always okay for kids to bring up a tech concern or safety issue—even if the issue is that they made a mistake.

“Parents can’t anticipate every rule they might need,” says Icard. “So ongoing conversations and flexible learning around phone use need to be embraced by parents and children alike.”

It’s the first app on their first phone: Smart Family.